A Flawless Past…

Exactly one year ago I’ve promised not to retract but see this naive morning reminisced about a monotonous saga. These oaths by any means don’t work when you possess an adamant interest in someone.
So, here it’s.
Do you realize or may I aid you to realize?
On most days, I rain melancholy. I also collect it through my eyes then shed it as usual.
I recall those perplexing hours when you suggested me to use names of beautiful towns and cities,
add nonsensical tales about Casanovas to bring some productive poetry.
But, nothing could hurt me.
You used abusive rant on my works,
never skipped luck to throw some destructive criticism but my goodness I was never butthurt.
I tried to decipher your mouth full of repugnances that lead me to shove myself into a vicious cycle.
What does relationships resonates like for it appeared unfathomable to me?
Whenever I said disparities present in Homo sapiens can’t be always elegant, there used to be your agreement which stood above everything. But, silently I wanted you to disagree and that never happened.
Through my silence, I thought you’re enough to drive inside every obscured portion but I was insane to expect.
According to your sapiosexuality, that proves I’m unskilled and miserable as well.
Now, with your absence, I feel I’ve no tomorrow and today will come to an end.
I don’t want progress and all I insist is running seconds must stop.
Or else I don’t know.
Now and then, I wonder if I could unsay whatever I said and say what I didn’t. Perhaps that could favor us from two distinct situations.
A social butterfly isn’t capable of being equal to the height of an extroverted guy, right?
Thousands of pessimistic reflections overpowered my head and left me skeptical to date.
You wish for that form of love that feels righteous and has deep eroticism.
You don’t like to go hunting for it.
I pondered if I’m still a chick to comprehend you. Am I the only one who’s no less than a lunatic?
Which love has the decency, I now less care about.
What made me concerned is about the transitions that took a room in my thought process or the way I used to be.
I’ve left my conscientious essence behind bars. People can’t relate to my words. I possess a lot of aftereffects. No worries, it’s not because of you. No regrets.
I’m responsible after all I could not find responses that I actually could.
I don’t understand crocodile tear and I’m no excellent at that.
Right now nobody on this effing earth can convince me to be optimistic about life,
no professional motivator can inject vaccines consisting of self-assurance,
no post from Facebook or Instagram can uplift me to proliferate my good deeds,
nothing can lend a hand for my self-induced circumstances.
And, that is it.
You may not be a dilemma to all which is why I am here to concede it’s me the tremendous perplexion that is rare to be found.
I’m random and I’ve access to the venom in my heart.
I am cursing myself at its peak. It must be fine as you idolized this vulnerable art.
There were days when I had a fire in my belly to be an ideal lover though I don’t believe in flawlessness.
Back then I intentionally dismissed the fact that it’s not your cup of tea to get it clear?
You’re a real reason and also not really a reason for things that went wrong.
Be it 2:00 am or 6:00 pm, there’s a hell in me which speaks to unlove you.
Just unable to put my efforts into understanding what all I’ve written till now and what else I have to pen.
Articulation seems tough as old boots when the subject is us.
You’ve escaped and saved your heart from drowning in a gloomy glass.
And, I’ve saved myself from glistening a way too deep. It’s scary for you I know.
You’ll survive, man. I’ll survive. That will matter.
I will not wish for our segregation to meet once again,
I will wish that we don’t ever remember our 24*7 conversations,
drinks that we had and sex on the beach (cocktail) was where your soul rested. Oh, I need to forget that too.
Then, comes about the weeks we spent surfing around the internet to amass a few sensual movies so that we can gleefully watch,
the trip to Venice and that was where we fervently kissed for the first time.
And, it’s high time to brainwash and say Once upon a time on this earth. It doesn’t exist anymore.
It drives me nuts every time I try to absorb the reality of our trivial love story.
Someone who does not like us may consider it as a cupboard love and honestly, there’s no use of feeling sorry now.
Before I finish off our not so romantic tale, it’ll sound human if I dare to think about you. For a few more seconds maybe? (A bit)
You are you,
You are incompletely complete,
You are artistically nonartistic,
You’re the November of my horizon and what not?
I can’t sum up through my literary works weak as water.
My heart that still yearns for you over every psyche says it all.

~ B. Farhaj Jebin

4 thoughts on “A Flawless Past…

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